Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
