shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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