just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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