I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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