yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
