i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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