i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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