for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
