Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
