my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
