i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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