I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
