i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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