Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
