im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
