Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
