I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
