I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
