It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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