yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
