did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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