i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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