i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
