You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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