I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
