Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
