I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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