i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
