yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
