i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
