I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
