I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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