Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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