Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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