I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
