i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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