Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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