my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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