went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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