Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
