I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
