R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
