YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
