Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
