I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
