Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
