My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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