I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
