During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
