i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
