I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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