You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
