dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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