It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
